"Competition of the Week" story # 14

Big Rapids, Michigan           October 21, 2001

Oh, yeah.
     The momentum was rolling. I rolled an hour north to Ferris State University, for a Wear-The-Most-Clothes reunion.
     My friend, the big, smooth-faced, peach-haired guy liked by everyone, Bill "Pancho" Wolbrink, accepted me. Our fellow "Competition of the Week" 4 over-dresser, "H-Dog," was there too. They wanted some revenge on me, maybe; and a quiet freshman girl named Jill came along too.
     "Competition of the Week" 11 and the whole idea behind it had come to me a year previous in an e-mail from my college friend, Melanie. Melanie is a Mormon from Utah - so you already know she´s weird. What kind of messed-up people don´t drink alcohol?
     I scanned her e-mail for viruses so it wouldn´t give me "Mormon." Then, I opened it to see that Melanie - who knew I loved competitions - had gifted me a challenge. She challenged me to try and use all the following words in a day of conversation. Here´s her list:
     "haggle (at least 5 times), soap opera, jesus christ (7)(not in vain, but as a tribute to his contributions to mormons everywhere), mormon (13 times), gigantic, brazier (3), princess (2), ass-muncher (17), flick (4), jumprope (3), smarts (6)(as in, "ouch. that smarts), befuddled, swizzlesticks (4), frumpy, frazzled, bruhaha (3), pisser (7), flippant, ignite (3), floozy (3), bewildered (6), puke (5)"
     Challenge most-vehemently accepted!
     "Pancho" printed notecard checklists for each of the four competitors. We headed to the bowling alley to carry out the contest.
     A printing party was taking place at the bowling alley. Ferris State University students within the printing program had taken over the bowling lanes and adjoining bar.
     Pancho - himself within the printing program - knew everyone. H-Dog, Jill, and I knew no one. The competition had begun. I looked at my notecard. I struggled to retain more than three of these words on the top of my head at once for easy access.
     Pancho took off through the list like he was on a speeding conveyor belt. He went around talking to everyone, using a word or three with each person as easily as if Melaine´s list were the only words he´d ever known.
     "Hey, Reggie. I´ll bet it *smarts* when you get your thumb stuck in the bowling ball."
     "How´s it going, Ann. Are you wearing a new *brasierre*?"
     "All right! Mike! Well, aren´t you an *ass-muncher*!"
     I got started. Slowly, I walked around trying to engage the people Pancho had introduced us all to. I could hardly remember the words, and I could barely spit out two of them in a conversation before a printing student lost interest in me.
     Pancho was rolling. He was amazing. He was using five words in ten seconds. "Man, I´m *bewildered*. What´s going on with the *bruhaha*? We need some *swizzlesticks* in here. Hey, *princess* Jen. My, you´re looking awfully *frumpy* tonight." MODERN ODDYSEUS´ GUIDE TO ALWAYS WINNING # 10 - Use of the word "frumpy" almost always pre-curses good things.
     Pancho was already running away with things. I lagged behind, and H-Dog and Jill hadn´t even got started. H-Dog complained it was a big handicap that Pancho was the only one of us who knew anyone. I didn´t necessarily agree. The printing students were approachable - however, once I´d used a few of Melanie´s words within the first minute upon meeting someone, he naturally assumed I was an idiot and turned away.
     Pancho´s advantage was - idiot or not - these people liked him. He said to one friend, "You gonna get drunk tonight and *puke* in the *pisser*? I´ve seen the *pisser*, and it´d be a good *pisser* to *puke* in." Bill´s primary advantage was that the words moved from the notecard to his mouth like lightning.
     I was not expecting Pancho to set such a pace. I tried to get my brain working, to mount a meek offense.
     I joined Pancho in a crowd and said aloud about him: "Look at this *ass-muncher*. He thinks he´s *Jesus Christ*."
     He came right back. "You´re calling me an *ass-muncher*? He´s calling me an *ass-muncher*! This *ass-muncher* thinks he´s *Jesus Christ* just because he´s a *Mormon*."
     I said, "I´m going to get into a *bruhaha* with this *ass-muncher*. He´ll take it up the *pisser* ´til it *smarts*."
     We broke it up. I cooled off, walking around until I spotted an alone girl and hit her with this famous ice-breaker: "Say, are you a *Mormon*?"
     "There sure seems to be a lot of Mormon talk around here," she said, and left. And then, for the first time, I began to worry that this was all just Melanie propaganda to turn us all into Mormons. Oh, my god! But, then I realized that most everyone around seemed to like beer a lot, and so, we were all saved from Mormoniumism.
     Pancho wobbled through Melanie´s list like a Mormon on cough syrup. To a friend, Pancho spoke, "Hey, *princess*, it´s your birthday! Did you get some *swizzlesticks*? You can stick ´em in your *bruhaha*! Did you get a *jumprope*? Boy, I just let a fart you could *ignite*."
     It was a good thing Pancho knew these people - although, he´s the type of guy who wouldn´t have cared anyway. I, on the other hand, always paused a few nervous seconds before phrasing my silly words. The phrases took me a good ten seconds or more to think of, too.
     That was why, an hour into the contest, as I hesitated to say, "Do you think if I made a *flippant* remark to a *floozy* with her *brasierre* showing, I could *haggle* her out of a beer?", Pancho said, "I´m finished."
     Wow. Good job, Pancho. One of "Competition of the Week´s" all-time greatest performances. I´d unthreateningly finished half of my list. H-Dog and Jill still sat in the same lonely spots they´d started in; H-Dog´s notecard had four checks on it; Jill hadn´t said one of the words.
     "Competition of the Week" 11 was won in decisive fashion. The new winner ... Bill "Pancho" Wolbrink, what a guy!
     The winner and losers spent the rest of the part speaking normally. People - especially the girls - still thought I was an idiot.

Later, you *frumpy* *floozies*
Modern Oddyseus (5-5). Good things will be coming!

Add´l stats. Words used:
_ Pancho me H-Dog Jill
haggle(5) 5 2 0 0
soap opera 1 1 0 0
jesus christ(7) 7 2 0 0
mormon(13) 14 9 1 0
gigantic 1 1 0 0
brazier(3) 4 3 1 0
princess(2) 2 2 0 0
ass-mucnher(17)17 8 0 0
flick(4) 4 0 1 0
jumprope(3) 4 0 0 0
smarts(6) 6 2 0 0
befuddled 2 1 0 0
swizzlesticks(4)4 2 0 0
frumpy 1 1 0 0
frazzled 2 0 1 0
bruhaha 3 1 0 0
pisser(7) 7 4 0 0
flippant 1 0 0 0
ignite(3) 3 2 0 0
floozy(3) 3 3 0 0
bewildered(6) 6 2 0 0
puke(5) 5 2 0 0

Add´l add´l stats. Mormon conversions:
Pancho - 0
me - 0
H-Dog - 0
Jill - 0

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