With all of the hubbub over eating healthy these days, I decided a diet assessment might be a good thing to get for myself. I sometimes feel I could be eating healthier, and a friend of mine, Rudy, advised me to seek a doctor's help.
So, today I went to the nurse, who agreed to assess my diet from the past week. "Okay," I said. "On Friday, I ate a half-gallon of chocolate ice cream, then I split another half-gallon of ice cream, and I also had a pint of ice cream, plus half a pizza. On Saturday, for breakfast, I had a half-gallon of Brown Cow ice cream, and I also had a
bowl of cereal and some juice later. The next day, for breakfast, I had a half-gallon of Black Cherry ice cream. Later, I had some cereal, and I went out for dinner where, for my drink, I ordered a sundae..."
The nurse with sludge-colored hair showed no reaction to my words, though her pine-green eyes remained wide as I spoke. She must've had some nurse's oath to maintain. I was doing all I could to keep from laughing every time I'd say, "The next day, for breakfast, I had a half-gallon of Chocolate Rainbow, decorated with Snickers, Oreos, hot fudge..."
The sad truth is that I'm quite unable to get up in the morning unless there's a half-gallon waiting for me to get excited about. Let's face it: sleeping kicks ass. If there's not something better to wake for, I'd usually sleep straight through class.
The nurse said, "Well, what I'm seeing with your diet is a large amount of fat. Unless...do you buy low-fat or low-sugar ice cream?"
I shook my head. That low-fat stuff is gross!
She tried to make sense of the situation. I'm a rather thin guy, so she asked, "Do you exercise? Because if you eat a lot of ice cream and then jog four miles..."
I wrinkled my brow and shook my head quickly. Jogging? Ugh! That's hardly a good time.
She started talking about tri-glycerides and cholesterol, of which I didn't understand much. Something about my arteries.
"You should try to eat more meat," she said. That reminded me of all the times nagging people try to tell me 'you are what you eat!' I usually tell them, "Yeah! That's why I'm so cool and such a sweet guy." But Rudy likes to tell me: "That means you're fat, easy, and cheap!"
The nurse said, "So, the only fruit you get is from banana splits?"
I was surprised the nurse had remained so calm throughout our discussion. I asked, "Is this diet fairly common?"
She paused. "A diet like yours is...unusual. Most people will eat like a pint of ice cream, or two, or maybe even three...in a week. You, you ate 4 1/2 gallons of ice cream in a week!"
So, the diet assessment didn't go very well. Did we learn something from the visit to see the nurse today? Is the all-ice cream-diet a bad decision? Should I eat broccoli?
That last question should provide the answer to all three. People say my diet's weird, but those people are absolutely ludicrous! So far, I've almost convinced one person to join me on my strict diet...my dream of an all-ice cream-world, with wonderful flavors
like Powdered Donut/Cappachino or Fudgy Triple-Fudge Fudgsplosion, will be fulfilled sooner than we think!